REAR
by Ferrum
Summary: A short fic for Citan Uzuki... Happened at the Xenogears Chapter; Mahanon. Flashback at the time before Fei and Elly escaped from Shevat.


REAR

_I wanted to give warning before you started to read the fic:_

_1)__This fic contains spoilers, and read it if you already beat Xenogears. _

_2)__For Private Use only and I didn't make it with any Profit Motive._

_3)__Xenogears are an original story made by Squaresoft. This Humongous Software House also owns the Copyright of the Story and the Character and the Phrases, and all._

_4)__That's mean _**Xenogears is Copyright by Squaresoft.**_ _

_ _

_I suggest you hear Evangelion's "Kokoro yo Genshi ni Modore" (Or what was the title, anyway?)_

"We cannot blame her. At least we should understand her feelings."

Dozen of faces looked at me in query. I just nodded my face at the brown-eyed _man_… No, I mean the lad, boy, and a youth. He wasn't that childish looking… But I prefer to say that, and I suppose that **everybody** at this Gun-Room of the Yggdrasil agreed with my opinion.

"I know how Elly feels. I knew she wouldn't have listened to me if I had just said, 'You're not coming!'. Seeing as she has worked together with us for such a long time and all... That's why I had to explain to her like that... The people gathered in Nisan need Elly. She's gotta realize how much people are depending on her. I can't put her in a dangerous situation..."

In reality everyone knew that he was just defending himself. He was over-protective with a Solarian girl he called as Elly who he believed was his true lover until the day on. He was un-consequent with his word, and he was nodding down as he told his statement. 

I lift up my face and peeked everyone reaction with the corner of my eyes, and they definitely didn't like his answer.

"But the way you said it was a little harsh." The great mother of Nisan who always wearing his orange robe was the first person who debate the boy, Fei's invoice.

Fei placed a questioning gaze at the Jasper eyes that she had. The mother, Marguerite gazed back (maybe like challenging) Fei.

"You didn't have to be so cold. She was crying, you know?" Then another lad, eh, man who had the same Jasper eye as the Great Mother of Nisan added the words from his cousin from the Fatima Dynasty. Bartholomew Fatima, for the first time of my life seen him, was wrinkling at his cousin.

"But…" 

Well hadn't the boy have enough of his?

"I am sure she realizes that." I finally entered myself in the conversation again. 

Fei turned his head to me and begged me with his eyes like saying; _Oh, no, Doc. Not you too…_

I Smiled and laughed in my heart. _Oh, yes, Fei. Me too…_

"I agree. Maybe you are the one who doesn't understand?" Bartholomew pulled Fei's attention from me. 

"Me...? I don't understand?" Fei queried again. He seemed like the only one who was foolish in this place. And we only could stare him with grief.

"A lady's... heart...?" Almost like questioning, Marguerite Fatima curved her neck to one side, as she answered Fei's confusion. I think his reaction itself was the symbolize that she couldn't belief that Fei didn't understand the problem itself.

"She wants to go, to be with you, Fei... Until the end... " The last time, Fei… even me didn't expect the ex-Etone to join himself in this chat. His tranquil blue eyes showed the honest and truth that he was talking the thing, which he believed from his own deep heart.

"Yeah." Marguerite nodded at him, agreeing with Billy Lee Black's judgment.

I didn't know if it was just my feelings or not, but the prince of Aveh kingdom of the Fatima Dynasty was maybe, _a bit_ alert and jealous. He then un-etiquette-ly jumped to the above of the bog wooden table in the Gun-Room and finally declared, "If I were you... I'd hold her tight and say... 'Let's go together!' ...Just like that! "

Marguerite moved few steps forward and had her yes locked her cousin's one. "Really?"

Bartholomew Fatima flushed abruptly, realized that he just made some foolish actions with all of the eyes of the attendances at the Gun-Room glared at him with totally confusion. I myself, would love to laugh hardly. But I didn't think that was a proper verb in this place and this kind of situation.

I was even joked when I heard his prince of Aveh short words. "Um...no...I mean... errh... "

His governor alarmed me with his small blue eyes as he knew my reaction-to-be. I simply shut my mouth and let him did what a governor had to do. "Young master, don't overdo yourself now..."

I didn't think that would work on Bartholomew, he had some rebelled manners, and his reactions was equal to my conclusion when he shouted at the poor Maison. "Ah, shut up!"

But, somehow it affected him as he finally jumped down and pointed at Fei. " Anyhow, why don't you go ask her to come with you? Whether she'll go or not, you should express your feelings in words. If you really care about her, you have to go tell her. "

I adjoined the prince of Aveh's word as I paid my attentions back to Fei. "Express your feelings... right?" I paused, some kind of heavy tons landed at my heart, I simply ignored it, and concentrated my gaze back to Fei. _Ignore_.

"I, I didn't mean...!" I really wanted to drag him downstairs if the boy I looked after for 3 years still saying things like that.

"Too late now. Everyone knows it." The Aveh king-to-be sure was going matured.

"You are not being true to yourself, are you?" I stopped for a while, stunned by my own words. I couldn't say anymore thing that includes this subject after that statement of mine. _Foolish_.

"I agree." Marguerite Fatima for the few times stated agreed for others' sentence, this one was mine. But I wasn't happy at all to hear her agreement.

A girl in emerald hair strolled few steps near Fei. Her shining sun of eyes worried about his condition, but I could see that she was forcing herself to smile. So she could also force Fei to do the thing a _man_ should do to a woman who loved him.

_Oh, God…_ But I had to remain calm whatever the consequences. 

"Go ahead... Go chase after her! What are you waiting for?" Another voice shocked me from the Great Mother of Nisan. 

_Jealousy…_

I found out he was running downstairs of the Gun-Room, after he was assured by all of _us_. He ran to get his lover, the woman that destined for him. So he couldn't let her go like a missing jewel.

Their words had simply gotten back to my head, and hitting me continuously.

He was a man by now. Fei was a man; he wouldn't hide all of his feelings like a teenager. He had to be real. The other people like the Prince of Aveh and the ex-Etone previously took their part as a man. They knew what they were doing and the consequences and they would fight for their selves and for the ones they loved. 

Now, a part of me was very happy by seeing Fei granted his way after adolescence. Yes, the Fei I was taking care for over 3 years. 

But, the other me was questioning, even mocked me like a damned shit. 

_Was I a man? Who am I anyway?_

***

_The day when Shevat decided to put Fei in deep sleep._

_"The emotional portion of Fei's present personality was sealed up by... ...his father through some method... And now with the cleared foundation of Id's personality... In computer terms... ...it is like constructing a mock personality on top of the compatible portion of the Operating System. That is the reason Fei has no memory of his past. Those 10 or so year of memories are under the supervision of Id. As long as Id does not willingly hand over the memories... There is no way for Fei to know he did not even exist before the time Id was sealed up. The present Fei's personality is an underdeveloped one which was built upon within... ...the 3 years of living in Lahan, studying and acquiring other people's reactions. Hence, he does not know how to fully cope with sudden or emotional situations. Elly, you are the one who has spent the most time with Fei so I would assume you would understand this. Were there not times when he would be psychologically unstable? For example, he would be manically depressive and then have sudden fits of rage..."_

I couldn't believe my own words. At first I knew it from the beginning and hid it all from all living person except some of them... the Emperor Cain, and the Gazel Ministry who were the ones that gave me the task. And, finally, Krelian who secretly gained the control of them… But always, all of myself couldn't be secretly hid from my wife, Yui. Now, I was getting myself explaining on the entire plot I knew.

The eyes of all people that used to help each other to pursue Solaris were alerted by my figure. Of course, my role was finally discovered and that didn't please the people. But, I had to do the best to regain back the trust… like the one I did at Solaris so they could finally came back safely. 

Ghraf, Id, Fei's Multiple Personality, his Awaken…

The entire thing I knew I was accepted was their disbeliefs when I finished my chronology. I nodded in sure If I wasn't mistaking or missing anything. I'm an exact man. Of course, they were all had known about this.

The whole panic was started when we arrived in the Shevat Laboratory. When he was determined to put in sleep with the Carbon Freezing. 

_I could save him…_ That day I could prevent him from the Carbon Freezing System of the Shevat. 

The azure eyes of Elyham van Houten begged me in tears to say something to stop that from happening. I acted like a jerk when I jerked my dark teal eyes from her. 

Then there's a voice from the father of the ex-Etone, the senior of mine in the Solaris System, the Jugend. He always acting liked a silly drunker, but he had something that made him more than a respectable man (in the dangerous situation only). Jessiah Black said with widened eyes. "Not only that. In the past, there were countless other cities that were destroyed by Id. I don't know their intentions, but Grahf and Krelian were always involved somehow. And one of those incidents was Elru. It was Dominia's homeland. Solaris' purging of the rebelling city of Elru was done through the use of Id. To test his capabilities. As a result, not only was Elru taken down, all the Solaris units present were wiped out..."

Elly frowned in distress when she heard his words, she turned her tiny face around to find something that could defend Fei. She found the one-eyed prince of Aveh.

Bartholomew Fatima closed his Jasper eye, regretting Elly. "He's responsible for the Yggdrasil's and our..."

Before he could finish his words, Elly's eyes ran for another help, not another worsen. She couldn't find it…

The champion of the Kislev Tournament, Ricardo Banderas was known as he admired the man named Fei. She hoped very much from him. "So he was the one who killed my subordinates in the sewers..."

Elly frustrated, I could see her. "What's wrong with you all? Aren't we supposed to be his friends!?"

Her glanced met with mine. She hoped for a very-very last thing she ever hoped in her entire life. _Citan, Please… Tell them, you're the only one…_

I could hear her heart voice. I stared at here with my minimum eyes. _This is it…_

"It appears everyone else is in agreement... the risks are just too great." 

Elly jumped and shrieked in distress and distrust. And all the way were her screams. "Citan!? No... That is terrible!"

I sighed, and shook my head. My eyes with the queen of the Shevat, Zephyr's. Her little young eternal hundred years old body was standing in dignity. But her eyes were empty when she saw me. If I was not worth. She was silent.

_Distrust_

"It's decided then. He will be scheduled for carbon freezing tomorrow."

_Betrayal_

***

I, Citan Uzuki, the doctor from Lahan entered one of the doors of the Shevat Palace. Exhausted, Sighing. The things that happened were so heavy, and I tried his best for doing them. My eyes were half closed, when I heard light steps.

"Yui…"

The golden orbs on your eyes captured me. Your were… mixed. Yet happy, glad, sad, angry, upset, and pity… I didn't know why you had all of those feelings mixed in your beautiful appearance, your long flaxen hair and the beautiful figure of a wife. Why did you?

Happy… to see me?

Glad… to see me safe?

Sad… because I was exhausted?

Angry… Upset… Did I do something wrong?

Pity… I didn't care about it. And I didn't want to know!

"Welcome home," You stated. "Hyuga Ricdeau." 

I stilled. Why all of the sudden you called me with my past full name? It was alright if you just called me with Hyuga, _without the Ricdeau_. My exact-maniac feelings-unmanned brain couldn't figure it out. So, I threw a questionnaire sight for you. But, when my eyes met with yours, I could only smirk and said. "I'm home, Yui." _And, Yui. There's no more the Guardian Angel of Solaris called Hyuga Ricdeau… _Solaris was crashed.

I knew you could read my heart. You had the same ability like our daughter, you're the one who gave her through blood that ability, even though our daughter's one was ... greater.

You then pulled away your stunning gaze, and asked without any expression. "So, do you want to eat the dinner? Midori is already asleep."

Like hell if I didn't want to!? What's wrong with you?

"Yui, I…"

"Hyuga!" You couldn't seem to hold your feelings anymore. Why did you do this anyway? 

"Yes." I'm waiting for your question. I wanted to know how's your feelings. I didn't know since when you were the most important person who I wanted to protect. You and Midori, our little angel on our marriage. I was always trusting you the most, even let you knew about anything. 

"I heard from the Queen…"

I didn't want to explain it. But the you and the Queen could contact like… telepathic. The same ability that our daughter, Midori had. Some times I hated the outsiders who trespassed our family borders. 

_No, it was Jealous…_

"Hyuga, your Citan Uzuki life was dedicated to the man named Fei Fong Wong. He was a good boy, you know…" She started to shear a tear. Not for him, but for a boy they cared and watched for 3 years… more. "Oh… I was so… I'm sorry Hyuga. I knew you're exhausted. It must be tired for you if you just came from…"

Smiling. "No, it's alright." I cut your statement. For times, I hadn't seen you being so emotional and… weak, and pouring your feelings towards words. It rose my manhood feelings, wanted to protect something weak and little. But I couldn't do that since you had a high dignity when we first met. "Please, Yui…"

You looked at me, and I looked at you. We're looking each other…

"No, Hyuga! You just burry your Citan Uzuki back his eternal sleep if you did the same things with him, Fei, Hyuga." You repeated the words you had said at your heart. " Sometimes, I do think that you really such a coward. You're so emotionless."

I smiled, I fell my own body into the couch, had a relaxation of my body and listened to you while you continued. I closed my eyes, and started a long breaths. _Coward… Just like Fei?_ "Yes, I was, dear."

"………Hyuga?"

I saw you were surprise when I lift up my goggles, and tidied the dark wrinkles at the bellow of my eyes with my right hands. And the tranquil little lights that was splashed from the corner of my dark teal eyes. I paused. I didn't say anything.

_You didn't have to continue the rest. I knew. I wasn't worth at all. From the time being born as a youngest of 9 sons in the family in the 2nd class family. From he entered Jugend and met his friends, Sigurd, Kahran, and Jesiah. The first time he was called to be Guardian Angel.It wasn't worth. The life, all… Even the meeting with you, and brought me a happiness. By the time being, all the people in Shevat were looking at us, like an impossible. Shevite and Solarian. I finally had the courage to do something, to take you from the Shevat…_

_The life, wasn't worth…_ _Ignore…_ _Jealousy… and Disbelief…_ _Foolish_…

_If I hadn't met you, I might thought that Love was only an Illusion._

"A man was worth as a man, if he finally realized what a man should do…"

"Hyuga…" You approached me at the couch, and took your smooth palm on mine. "I'm sorry. If I had notice that you're so…"

"No, Yui." I shut my eyes, trying to felt your smooth sweet and cool skin. "I even know what you're going to say. _Hyuga Ricdeau… you're…_"

"Hyuga, I didn't think you wanted to continue that." She dropped my sentences off. "I'm sorry."

There was a nig stillness over us. But, we could finally happy with the silence. There's a secret contact of our eyes to expose all of our feelings and done. All of the stories that kept with a silent lullaby.

"Where's Midori?" I finally asked.

"Sleeping." You smiled back., then embraced me, and had my head bellow your chin. "You're so exhausted to, don't you Hyuga? Eh, Citan? Why don't you eat before you sleep?"

I didn't answered your worrying and calming concern. For some times I thought that you're so perfect for me. And I was the one who couldn't give you even happiness for our loving. I didn't knowhow you thought when I just left you. I found my head peacefully rested at your calm chest. "What have you heard from the Queen?"

You shook your head. "The news about Fei's… And your explanation to the Queen. They finally found it out… from you." 

_Citan. The sweet name you called me since we arrived at Lahan more than 3 years ago. We only found the name for hiding my true identities. But, we didn't know since when that name had been the favorite name you called me with. I knew from the bottom of your heart when you looked at me. You finally found your happiness with the man named Citan Uzuki. Not with Hyuga Ricdeau…_

I was trying to accept that my other self was satisfied with you. I was shocked when I finally met the Sigurd called whom me back with that past name of the past cold-blooded man before Citan Uzuki. I somehow discerned that the situation since Fei entered the Blue Gear in the Lahan accident… There's some probability that I would be back to the man named Hyuga Ricdeau. The man that didn't worth for anybody.

Citan Uzuki, in the other side was needed as a doctor, as a guardian of a boy, as a father, as a man you could love and share.

"Yes." 

"The Queen also said something that about you…"

"She was mentioning Hyuga Ricdeau." 

There's a long time of silence, only the sound of the gust of wind hit the Force Field of Sky City Shevat far back. There. I lift up my head, and faced the visage of the Shevite I loved since I was Hyuga Ricdeau. _What would I do if I didn't meet you?_

_The woman who felt in love with Hyuga Ricdeau… And the same woman who found happiness with Citan Uzuki. I didn't know whom did you prefer._

I notified you with your puzzlement. _Citan, why did you say that?_

_Yui, help me…_ I just had to **find it out**…

I stood up, had my hands in front of you, whether you took it or not. I finally beamed as you took my hands. "Let's go, Yui."

***

My body felt out before yours. I breathed shortly, deeply closed both my eyes. "Yui…" Embracing you was the best thing I could do. And you too was putting your hands at my back, calmed me down.

I smirked a little while when I remembered your high voice just now. It was something I didn't expect.

_"HYUGA--------!!!!"_

You were in love with Hyuga Ricdeau then since the first time. The basic me, who I wanted to forget, and dumped away with the wastes Even before the Citan Uzuki who you lived happy with. Giggled I was, like seeing something _Foolish_. 

"Citan! You witch!" You then kicked my thigh. You smiled. "There's no need to ask you more, Citan. Your face showed the something was according to your plan. It's a good one, isn't it? Heavens, you're so good in pretending!"

I laughed. You did find it out anyway. "Yes, that's not bad."

You blushed with red, freed me from your hands. But my hands were tightened. "Citan, Let me go."

"No, Yui… Even though I did plan it from the time I heard your voices, All of them was real."

"You always got what you wanted to get, Citan, as Hyuga Ricdeau."

_I always…_ I downed my head, to reach my lips for yours, and touched them together with a simple and deep kiss. You answered my touch, dear. I felt it.

_But… Citan… If there's… a time… when you've… lost everything… How will you act…?_

_I'm… not going to… loose everything… Yui…_

You retreated from me and simply asked. "Citan… What did you say?"

I sighed and repeated. "I'm not going to loose everything, neither do you, or Midori, or anyone."

You came out with the same face with the one you showed me hours before. All of them mixed. But, there's a great pity. I knew that you knew I hated **pity** so much. _Please Yui, don't show me that… I wasn't wrong, I can't loose everything…_

I ducked my head. "I had to refuel Weltall."

"…… So, you will…"

I smiled at you. "I didn't do something without not a thing."

You were quieter as you wanted to get away from me, so far away.

I was so angry. Why were you so sensitive. Your face showed like one of us would going to die when the sun rose from the East. I wouldn't and you too… 

"Yui, I won't going to loose you…" 

***

_Was I man? Who am I anyway?_

I should understand your feelings, and let you express them, so were mine. I was not different as the man I was

called a boy that we watched together and pretended him just like our own son. Because we didn't have any. He was now having his most magnificent time with his lover. 

"Citan, Are you alright?" The ex-Etone had his worrying face for me. 

_I didn't worth to be worried, young one…_ "Yes, I'm alright, Billy."

"Hey, Citan. It just like Billy Boy's father said. You will be blown up in your own minds if you only still hiding the feelings for yourself only. C'mon! You were the one who said that we have to express our feelings!"  
_Express my feelings, right? How could I if there's no more Yui…?_

_There's no one who needed Hyuga Ricdeau anymore._ Just deep in my heart I knew that I was originally Hyuga Ricdeau. _Bare it, **Hyuga Ricdeau**, your wife was killed by the Shevat crash…_

There's no more sight of you in the Shevat's Snowfield Hideout. Not a single trace of you. At last I found our little daughter, who was silently sit emotionless, like the last day I left you in the Shevat's Palace. She made me remember, what were you saying.

_Like Heavens, I need Salvation!_ I was screaming in my heart, while I nodded to dodge Bartholomew sentences. "No, thank you. I just thinking a little thing I have forgotten. There's nothing to worry about."

_If there's a time you lost everything. How will you act?_

Citan Uzuki, the new man after Hyuga Ricdeau nodded at himself. "There's nothing to worry about."

_I never lost you, Yui. And I won't let it happen. At least, you won't be die in my heart…_

**Fin**

This is my First Fan-Fiction I ever finished. The rest of them are still sleeping at my Hard Disk, waiting to be updated. So, please forgive me for the errors. English is not my First Language.

(There's something funny at Page 3, the 2nd Part of Flashback, isn't it?) It's weird for the Theme Development.

This is not a Lemon Fan-Fiction!

The suggestion above was for real! I've done this Rear with hearing that song repeatedly. (All the way for 2 hours, I could even memorize the lyrics!)

End of notes…

**FE**b**R**iani **RUM**iris [little_heaven_angel_primera@yahoo.com][1]

   [1]: mailto:little_heaven_angel_primera@yahoo.com



End file.
